November 6th

Dear Diary,

Today I saw the power of a mother’s love; today I saw a mother’s love in action.

In court today one of the cases that came up had to do with the custody of the kids of divorced parents.

The lady in this case had no lawyer and from the first minute she opened her mouth to tell the judge that a lawyer was not representing her, you could feel the emotions in her voice. She eventually gave in to the tears we, well I, were all trying to hold back.

I don’t know the facts of the case because, it wasn’t one of ours, but from what I could tell, her ex-husband wanted full custody of the kids of the marriage. That has to be the worst thing you could possibly do to a mother, take her kids away while she is still alive. Her tears were so moving, it must have gotten to the judge because she asked them to go and try to settle and appointed three senior lawyers present in court to help with the settlement and when she was done with her heavier cases went on to join them in the settlement.

I am not a mother yet, but I felt her pain, I can’t imagine anyone taking the kids I am yet to have away from me, it would probably kill me, I am sure that’s how she felt when she let her guard down and let the tears flow in front of total strangers. I cant even imagine giving up custody for one day for kids I carried in me for nine months, kids that I nurtured, kids that I breastfed, kids that I am willing to walk through fire for, I am sure these were the emotions that has been going through her mind since it all began. She was so willing to take the judge’s suggestion of a settlement, no matter what had caused their falling out, for her kids, she was willing to settle, she was willing to try. The talks must have helped because when they came back, their body language had changed, they were more aware of each other.

This reminded me of an article on parenthood which I commented on yesterday. The last bit of my comment went something like this; the scariest decision I think I have to make in this life is the decision to get married and the decision to bring kids into this world.

The decision to get married is a very scary one, because like I always tell everybody I discuss the issue of marriage with, it’s a decision you have to live with for the rest of your life. Marriage for me is forever, there is nothing like divorce in my books, even if I weren’t catholic, divorce still wouldn’t be an option I would explore. The decision of spending the rest of your life with somebody is a decision that you have to live with for the rest of your life, one that affects not only you, but also, when you eventually have them, your kids. Why then would you want to be in a hurry to make such a decision? So to all those asking where my husband is, don’t worry, I am taking my time to ensure my happiness and that of my kids, I am taking my time to make sure I make a decision I and my kids can live with for the rest of our lives. Imagine the effect it would have on them if I make the wrong decision now because of pressure and have to divorce their dad? Divorces are never clean, they are nasty, it might have been a clean break for the parents but they are nasty for the kids and I do not want that for my kids.

This brings me to the other scariest decision I think I have to make in life; having kids. Sigh, how do I put this, its not that I am scared of having to carry a child in me for nine month and pushing them into the world, nope, that’s the easy part. The difficult part is having to raise them, having to provide for them, having to make sure they are safe, having to guide them on the path that you hope is right and having them follow. No, having to push them into the world is the easy part, it what comes after that’s the difficult part. Why then should I be in a rush to pick a partner to help with this difficult part? So no I am not in hurry to get married, I am waiting to find that partner whose love for our kids would shine through, through all our differences, through all our misunderstandings. I am waiting for the man, who can make me happy through everything life has to throw at us, a man who despite our problems and differences, we come out stronger and say to life ‘is that the best you have’??

This is dedicated to my parents, who despite their differences let their love for us shine through, who showed me what a marriage should be like, what parents should be like. They didn’t have to tell us what marriage and parenthood was like, they showed us, and hopefully we learnt enough.

Love always,

Iphie,

XoXo